I, honestly have no idea what I’m waiting for. I guess there’s still that child like part of me that wants someone to tie my shoes (AKA, do it for me), because I fear I’ll do it wrong.
Even when I hop on someone else’s computer, or TV or something, I’m afraid of hitting a button that erases everything and take this innocent person’s… whatever, back to one. This person was trying to help me and I f*cked it up and let them down, OR put them in a worse position after I left them, then before I started.
The other holding back issue, is listening to what other people think of me, ahead of what I think of myself. I tend to listen to what everyone thinks of me as gospel. “You’re just so sweet and adorable, no one takes you seriously”, “You take care of everyone else so well, that’s what you’re going to continue to do”. Then I smile and say thanks, because my mother taught me to take a compliment graciously, even if it’s a back handed one. But then, I believe it. Everyone likes me when I’m amicable, sweet, adorable – I take care of everyone else with ease, and I like being praised for it, I like being liked. I do fear being friendless.
I think I know where these fears come from. I could spend the next year of my life trying to analyze it, learn from it and then take one baby step after another to finally reach my goals. But let’s be honest here, I don’t have time for that sh*t. I’m just going to have to jump off the building. Not just ‘face my fear’, not hammer through the wall of self doubt, I mean, f*ck the fear and do the thing.
I’m getting that printed on a t-shirt “F*ck the fear and do the thing” I’m getting that printed on my brain.